Apprentices

-sigh- Everyone that I had apprenticed or befriended has moved on. They don't eed me anymore. Is that what I am destined to be? I find new people, and befriend them, and help them, but then they slowly drift away until one day we just don't talk anymore. And when I communicate with them later, they have found other people. They try to assimilate me into their group, but I don't belong, I know and the others know. I try but that is simply not where I belong. I belong on the outskirts, with one person or a few at a time - the exception being the NSC, and even there I am no longer needed, and uncertain as to whether I am even wanted. I suppose it doesn't really matter, they will all find their own ways. And I do have a new person to apprentice that I have befriended, whom I call Wolkie. On the internet, I have another on dA that I follow whom I have finally contacted, and we are becoming friends, though for how long I know not. Everyone, online especially, always leave. But that is the way of life, is it not? Just sometimes it makes me  melancholy for those whom have drifted away, those friends from long ago as well as those who recently drifted. I wonder why people like to hang out with me, whether in rl or online, considering my not-so-pleasant personality and tendancy for violence and awkwardness. True, when I do not put that persona out I am that person whom one can talk to about just about anything and I will not judge you, though not many have reached that. Rather, most have simply reached the Fandom level, where we can talk about fandoms we both enjoy, or games, or other things we have in common. But after that is just another persona, whomever I think the person expects me to be. And I really am no one except for what others make of me. I am just a collage of those I have met. Really the one thing I can remember liking before anyone else changed me was cats, which thus had the effect of creating my lifelong obsession with cats. I have always felt like I was a cat at my core, or supposed to be one, or had been one previously. But people... They all leave. I am never the one to leave them, not the first time. Only the second time when I realize how much they have changed. And I still try to be their friend, but they need their lackeys around just to chat so I am forced away. So I have a trail of friends whom have gone, three of the most memorable being my best friends online - first Darkie, then Mossie, then Mia. I remember them all, but the only one I ever even have occasional contact with is Mia anymore. If I tried, I could probably contact Mossie. But Darkie... She is long gone. I had tried to contact her so many times on so many different sites. She is permenantly severed from me, and this breaks my heart, still. And I will most likely have others who leave me at some point. People in rl, though, I mostly just collect, they don't really leave, we just lose contact, though not with the NSC, with them it seems as if it is a giant snowball collecting more and more people. It started with me and the two people whom were my best friends at the time, and now there are so many people... I don't even know how all of these people found us. We are a hodgepodge of people, and I kind of think of our group as the group for those who have no group, for the intelligent outcasts kind of. I rather like that, that it gives people friends to talk to that they otherwise would not have. I feel that my apprentices have done well in befriending people, for I have certainly had no hand in that. It was all Evan, and Grace, who touched the lives of others who found others who all joined in one big group - and then there are those like Aaron, Brandon, Brennan, and Jenna, who approached our group and in that way became a part of it, though I suppose that could be the same way for most in the group. I still think of it as the NSC, even though it isn't necessarily that anymore. We have branched out, and it pretty much includes our whole network of friends, not just those who play board games any more, as it used to just be for. I am constantly astonished at how our little group grew, in just what was it - five years? Maybe six, something like that. And yet now that I look at the anount of time it really wasn't that short of time. It seems shorter in my head, as I so often go back to those times when it was just Evan, Grace, and I, and of course those volunteers at the Bridge who played board games with us, and was the reason I love playing board games so much. I miss two volunteers in specific - Kate and Laura. I was good friends with those two, and always played board games with them. That was so enjoyable, those days, and so less complicated... Even Officer Rachel I played board games with, though she almost always won, so it wasn't too often (ironically, the same reason that for like a year there almost no one would play board games with me, 'cause I always won :P ).